Well today I want to take some time to talk about REGRETS… Yeah I hear people say all the time how you shouldn’t have any regrets when going through life. Well it’s easy when you don’t have control over yourself like some people may have. What I mean by that is some people free will their way through life while others take precautions and later regret doing so….
THIS IS WHY WE’RE HERE TO TODAY……
One of my biggest regrets in my life is not telling people I love them when I had the chance. Sometimes these people drift out of my life and never know or they move on because they got tired of waiting for me to show them how much I care. Then there are the times when I regret being selfish, uncaring, mean, hard headed, distance or just an overall jackass. Some people say they never have regrets but I figure if you don’t then you must have led a perfect life.
I HAVE NOT LED A PERFECT LIFE…..
My grandfather was diagnosis with cancer when I was about 10 or 11. My mother lived with her husband across town and I lived with my grandparents. I liked living there but I was kinda bothered by the fact that my mama didn’t live with us anymore. So my grandfather’s health was deteriorating slowly and I was too young to fully understand what was happening. That and the fact that no one told me anything at all anyway. I would see him have seizures and sleep all day when just a year earlier he was so full of energy and we were always driving somewhere fun. He took me to Maryland every summer and to the zoo at least once a year. He loved the holidays and always made sure I had everything I needed. The thing was…. He smoked at least a pack a day of cigarettes the whole time. The cancer hit him so hard that the chemo wasn’t really working. My grandfather was one of the strongest men I ever knew. Everybody thought highly of him, he was a Sgt in the Army and served during the Vietnam War. My mother always said that the war and his smoking added to him getting cancer. I’m not sure myself… So as a 12 year old kid living with the knowledge that someone you love is sick you would think I’d would’ve been more sensitive to what was going on… I wasn’t. I remember myself being angry at my grandfather for constantly pissing his pajamas, being so hard to deal with, not taking his medicine…. I just didn’t understand what was going on. Now I do and I regret how I treated my grandfather in his last days. He pissed his pants because the treatments made his bladder damn near uncontrollable. He was hard to deal with because a lot of the time he was in such severe pain. He didn’t take his meds because they made him feel sicker and mainly because he was too proud to. I felt like a piece of shit when there was a late phone call to the house and I was listening on the other line as the doctor at the hospital told my grandma that my granddaddy had passed away.
I APOLOGIZED TO HIM YEARS LATER; I THINK HE FORGAVE ME……
My grandmother would get cancer just a couple months later. She would beat the cancer the first time but not the second time 9 years after my after my grandfather died. She passed away a day after his birthday. I regret the fact that I didn’t spend even more time with my grandmother. She was the sweetest lady when she wasn’t drinking of course. She used Crown Royale to erase the pain she felt in her life. Her life early life as I’ve been told could easily be described as a nightmare. Her mother didn’t even name her when she was born. That’s why her middle name is Mary. The hospital just named her after her mother. My great-grandmother treated my grandmother like shit her whole life. She just didn’t give a damn about her but loved her step-brothers. My uncles Sam, Lee, Walter and John. My grandmother wasn’t a big fan of Sam and John. I could see why. So after years and years of a bad relationship with her mother, my grandmother couldn’t have a 100% perfect relationship with her daughter. My mother was supposed to have a brother but my grandmother miscarried and lost the baby. I think deep down she really wanted to have a son and she kinda resented my mother a little like how her mother resented her. She loved my mother but she didn’t know how to do that to the fullest because she never had that love herself. She spread that love more to the males of our family like my mom’s “brother” Ricky. So when my mama gave birth….. I was like the son that she and my grandfather always want. They would give me anything I wanted within their power. I regret that I didn’t spend more time with my grandmother. She loved for me to come into her room and lie across her bed and talk to her. Most of the time I would fall asleep and she would tell my mama “let that boy sleep” whenever she would try to wake me up. She would give me money to go out with my friends and never complained about. All she wanted was a bag or chips or a soda when I came back. I miss her a lot and when I think back even me and my friends can recall some of the funniest moments involved her.
EVEN WITH ALL THEIR FLAWS I LOVE MY GRANDPARENTS DEARLY……
I regret never saving my money like I should have when I was younger
I regret never seriously playing sports in high school
I never telling someone I loved them years ago
I regret not going to Maryland for so many years after my Uncle Buck died
I regret not getting to know my family on my dad’s side like I should have
I regret pushing her away back in the day
I regret what happened between me and your girl…. You know who you are
I regret that I didn’t tell Lena how much I cared before she left
DON’T LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH REGRETS……
Thanks 4 Your Time
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